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Hal, The King

AMC released a promotional poster for season 5 of -best show to grace television- Breaking Bad. The poster reads “ALL HAIL THE KING,” above a portrait of Walter White, Bryan Cranston’s award winning, break out role.

But I’ll never forget Cranston’s humble beginnings as Hal, the aloof father on Malcolm in the Middle, which inspired this Photoshop creation, “Hal, the King.”

It seemed appropriate to submit it to http://breakinginthemiddle.tumblr.com/. Since then, it’s been reposted 50+ times now. So, yay to that. Jump on the bandwagon.

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Hi I’m Matt.

I’ve been thinking here for awhile about what I could possibly write about.

Royal Weddings?  Timely, but I don’t understand this phenomenon anymore than you likely do (unless your Prince William, in which case I’d like to thank you for reading this, I’m flattered). I don’t really feel like going on a rant whose punchline is “wot is all this british nonsense?” Last time I did some asshole named Colonel Mustard murdered me in the library with a tea biscuit.   I can’t relive that.

There’s a whole lot of local sports happening at the moment, which is enhancing my sense of civic pride and unity with my fellow city dwellers (actually I don’t live in the city… I just hang out there. Whatever…). From the strange bicyclists riding by on their strange bicycles to the impatient dog honking the horn of the parked truck, sports make me feel closer to any guy, Tommy, Ian or Bobby, who walks by wearing the exact same shirt that I wear because the guy on the TV wears that shirt!

Success in the local sports can virtually guarantee high fives everywhere given the right look. Let this be your fashion guide as of 4/28/2011, with each look measured in high fives you could expect to receive in a night (On a scale of 1-5 high fives).

In the presence of those wearing Celtics/Bruins stuff, but not wearing it yourself: 1 Highfive (by association)

Celtics/Bruins Shirt: 2 Highfives (perhaps you prefer sleeves and cotton to jersey mesh, but it looks like you’ve just done the bare minimum.)

Celtics/Bruins Jersey: 3 Highfives (appreciated but commonplace.)

Celtics/Bruins Shirt/Jersey + Face paint (or dressing as green man): 4 Highfives (face paint shows the extra effort and that you’re eccentric in either a ‘I like to party’ or ‘I don’t like to drink but I still enjoy attention’ type of way.)

Celtics/Bruins themed Torso cover + Being a fat kid + basketball shaped hat + enthusiasm: 5 Highfives, a guaranteed place on any jumbotron, bountiful amounts of self worth, and a frankly undeserved potential lifetime of virginhood.

Additionally if you’re wearing a Celtics Jersey (3 Highfives) and run into a gal wearing facepaint and a Bruins Jersey (4 highfives) thats 7 total high fives! Double Bonus!

Any two 5 highfive deservers running into each other results in any neutral observer (or out of towner) concluding that they dwell among maniacs and cannot wait to tell everyone in their hometowns of Puyallup, Murfreesboro, and Mattoon about municipal overrowdiness.

Anything red soxy won’t be appreciated fully for another month.

Alright, that’s a lot and that’s my post.  If you’re still reading this, Prince William, mail me a corgi.

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Space Rum

Jet pack broke? Slowly digested by a sarlacc? Father decapitated? After a long day, Boba Fett reaches for Boba Fett Original Space Rum: Cold as Hoth. Hits like a thermal detonator. And melts away the haunting image of your father’s disembodied head.

Boba FettHe’s got a little bounty hunter in him.
(Picture by Justin)

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I can’t get behind unnecessary acronyms (UA’s). In fact, UA’s are one of the most extreme ‘Things I Can’t Get Behind‘ (TICGB). The purpose of an acronym is to shorten an otherwise long and complex title, so it can be quickly interpreted in its coming iterations. To make an arbitrary rule of thumb (RT); you need at least 10 iterations of a wordy title to merit an acronym.

Here’s another RT; Acronyms are like babies. Just because it’s possible to create one, doesn’t necessarily mean you should.

The acronym feature of our language is abused. Many people assign acronyms willy-nilly (WN) just to create a heightened level of officialness (HLO), like they paid a registration fee, and filled out the necessary paperwork with the Acronym Registry (AR). These people just tack an acronym onto any old thing (AOT), as if we’re all taking notes. But we’re not. If I threw TICGB at you, right now, would you remember what it stands for?

It’s okay. It was a UA anyway.

'Extraordinary' now starts with an 'X' btw.Hollywood is a repeat offender of acronym abuse. A particularly unforgivable incident was The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, a movie Sean Connery would like to forget, but the worst part is the acronym designated to it: LXG. Does the title of a movie need an acronym? Ever? Maybe if you’re talking about the movie with your friends in the theatre parking lot, but not in the movie. The title screen makes one appearance, at the beginning. The audience can endure the heavy reading.

Kitchy acronyms that spell out words aren’t off the hook either: acronyms like YES, NOW, and STARS. Call these Vanity Acronyms (VA’s). Remember ‘DARE to keep kids off drugs?’ Of course you remember (unless you’re on drugs). Remember what DARE stands for? Neither do I (Drugs Are Really… Exhausting?). VA’s are often backward engineered acronyms. That is, the acronym was created before the words it represents were chosen. Backward Engineered Acronyms (BEA’s) are abominations against the very thing acronyms stand for: words.

I get it. We’re lazy and acronyms make writing easier. But acronyms aren’t for making writing easier. They’re for making reading easier. Acronym abuse befuddles that purpose, and actually makes reading harder. And it’s obnoxious.

Fact: An unnecessary acronym is born every 3 minutes.

I can’t get behind that kind of wasteful acronym production, when there are only 26 letters. Pretty soon, every combination will be taken. Conserve your acronyms. Let’s make it an RT.


Related reading:
Uncyclopedia: International Association For Important Unnecessary Acronyms (IAIUA)

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What did you people do?

Rounding out the number 70 spot on botd.wordpress.com‘s growing blogs of the day, The Man Shark! Right under Wilfred Mworia. Not bad, but we can do not badder.

Watch it, Milfred. There’s man shark in these waters.

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Forgotten moments from the epic saga, not in any particular order.
(Click for full size images)

so lame deathstar

choked

exhaust port

deathstar

mos eisley

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I can’t get behind cases for iPods and cell phones. They cover the very shininess you’re trying to maintain.

spiky+hairI can’t get behind spike ball hair dues. Since when does this look good? Did I miss a vote, or is everyone drunk?

I can’t get behind taking the bus to the gym.

I can’t get behind password “quality.” I’ll decide whether my password works, not homogenize it to fit an arbitrary standard, making it easier to guess.

I can’t get behind wearing a watch. Really, there’s hardly a need to wear a watch, these days. There’s a clock on everything.

I can’t get behind regional professional sports fanaticism. A little enthusiasm is fine, but it’s not like the players are actually from your local region. It’s just printed on their uniforms.

I can’t get behind poor, impromptu photographs of prominent landmarks. It’s been photographed already, by professionals. The world doesn’t need your blurry, tour bus drive-by, version with a huge lens flare from the flash reflecting off the window. Enjoy the view. Google it when you get home.

I can’t get behind a movie trailer that starts with “from the director of Spy Kids.”

I can’t get behind chemotherapy for pets.

I can’t get behind more than one shower per day, tops. You’re not that dirty.

I can’t get behind the Bravo television network, and its multitude of reality shows about any old thing. Midgets? It’s a show. So you wear clothes? It’s a show. People living in a town? It’s a show.

I can’t get behind forensic science television shows. There’s about fifty of them, most of which are as predictable as Scooby Doo (Hint: It’s always the first person they meet, or the sleazeball nobody likes), and Discovery channel’s The New Detectives is all you need, for your dose of real forensic science stories.

I can’t get behind bags of Tostitos labeled, “20% MORE FREE FUN.” Air is already free.

I can’t get behind a beverage with the selling point “drinkability.” Edible is a requirement, not “the difference.”

I can’t get behind the iPod Shuffle. What’s the point of an iPod missing all its functions (except shuffle)? iPods can already shuffle, plus more. If Apple made the iPod Loop, suckers would still buy it.

I can’t get behind overdraft fees. Bank: “You have no money. Let me help. Now you have even more no money.”

I can’t get behind credit ratings. Credit Rater: “You haven’t superfluously billed yourself thousands of dollars on credit, or lived beyond your means. You’re not financially responsible.” (Alright, there’s a little sense to this system. But it still bites.)

I can’t get behind gym membership. It’s like checking yourself into a laziness rehab clinic. But they don’t keep you there, and charge you anyway.

And that’s what I can’t get behind, at the moment. This list is ongoing.

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