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Archive for the ‘Raging Semi Rants’ Category

I’ll always wonder why movies don’t aim at least 100+ years into the future for a “future scene”. In this case it is understandable since Marty had to have aged 30 years, but still. I wonder how much research they really did on what 2015 would be like. Not even research, but what was the ratio of “this will be happening” to “that would be so cool” that went down in the writers room, that is what I’d like to know.

As cool as the projected future was 30-ish years ago, I’m going to contest that the real 2015 could be even better, although it won’t have the bells and whistles of flying cars and self drying jackets. So here it is, projected future vs actual future. (Note: I know it isn’t 2015 yet. I’m not waiting 3 years to write this. Nothing significant is going to change in 3 years. If it does, then you can write an article about my future vs the real future vs back to the future and see if your brain doesn’t explode!)

PROJECTED: Automatic Dog Walker
REAL:  Unemployed Bro-Dude
Advantage: PROJECTED (but not by as much as you’d think).

Sure, perhaps you’d rather a machine taking care of your pup all day instead of some smelly hippie girl with her pants 4 inches higher than they should be, but consider this: The price of perfecting that technology. How many times on long walks did the robot walker run low on gas or batteries or hyper jet fuel and just lose your dog? Is that a chance you’d be willing to take? I say yes, but I would understand opting into the human. I only say yes because of my roller coaster theory (“If it wasn’t safe, they wouldn’t let people on it”).

PROJECTED: Automatic Mega-Expensive Gas Station
REAL:  Self Service Semi-Mega-Expensive Gas Station
Advantage: REAL.

Plain and simple, price wise we are screwed either way, so that’s a wash. I wouldn’t be shocked to see the prices be right on the money when we get to 2015, but there is still nothing that can ever replicate the feeling of the perfect pump. Ever.

PROJECTED: Holomax Jaws: 19
REAL:  3d Angry Birds Movie
Advantage: TBD.

You think I’m kidding don’t you. You think I just hacked IMDB and made that page. Nope, it’s coming. Angry Birds the movie. Now, you may wonder how I can even consider giving Angry Birds the nod over a giant shark hologram that attacks you in the street… Well, here is how. Jaws 2 sucked. No way 19 would be any good. And, I think we already know how not worth the trouble and glasses 3d movies are. BUT, what if you could play the movie. What is Angry Birds knows something we don’t and by 2015 we can play an ipad 4 (new new ipad?) game in a movie theater? Jury is still out on this one.

PROJECTED: Fruit Dispenser
REAL:  Fondue Fountain Bird
Advantage: REAL.

Fruit vs chocolate. Next question please.

PROJECTED: Multi-Channel TV
REAL:  NFL Red Zone/Game Mix
Advantage: REAL.

Suck it projected future! We might even see the voice command mass produced in the next three years. What really sells the reality here is that Projected Reality offers “over 300+ channels!”, a number that is laughed at by CSPAN 9, MEUCNBC and ESPN 14 today.

PROJECTED: Cubs Beat Miami Marlins in WS
REAL:  Both Teams Can Never Meet In WS
Advantage: REAL.

This is where it really breaks down. The then fictional Miami Marlins did not exist. Now they do, and they are in the same league as the Cubs. Really what BTTF needed was for the Cubs to be the ones moving to the AL instead of the Astros. That would have probably swung this whole thing the other way. But alas, the Cubs (in Theo they trust) and the Fish are still in the NL together. Also, the points for predicting there would be a Miami Marlins go away when they failed to realize that the Marlins can’t be in the world series against the Cubbies.

Final Tally:
Real Life – 3
Projected Rality – 1
TBD – 1

Even if the Projected reality steals the Jaws 19 category (and this happens if we can’t participate in the Angry Birds Movie, at least there is a shark in Jaws 19), then it will still fall short. We’ve seen the hover board already as well. So it looks like barring dust becoming a major issue in the next three years, it looks like a brighter tomorrow that we could have ever imagined. So instead of feeding Jaws 19, how about you just keep feeding that man shark.

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In the immortal words of Frank Costanza: “I got a lot of problems with you people. And now, you’re gonna hear about it!” Let’s dive right in.

To the driver (usually a woman, never a cab) who forces me to hesitate, break stride, and have an awkward interaction with them over who is going to let the other one go. It may not seem this way because you see me wearing my iPod and mouthing words, but I have timed my steps to allow enough time for you to drive through the intersection without hitting me or changing speed. I am ready to walk right after you go by. Quit stopping and forcing me to be the asshole pedestrian. I don’t care who has the right of way, you ar ein a car, if we decided to let darwin decide who had the right of way, you would. So just drive. It is dangerous to stop short. What’s worse, it aggravates me. So just trust me. Drive through and let me walk behind the car. I’m not every other dick head pedestrian who isn’t looking. And if I was, and you hit me, then guess what. I deserved it for not paying attention.

To the guy at the convenience store that shames me into paying in cash. First off, I am paying you for a garbage granola bar and an arizona iced tea, not $100 of groceries. Apparently, your reasoning is that the credit people take a buck or some percentage of every card transaction. I come in to your  convenience store  trying to use one of the most convient things in society to pay for my food and you want me to go to the ATM, take the 2$ service charge (more than my shitty snack costs, by the way) to save you 35 cents. I hand you my card every goddamn day and you say “You pay cash?” I HAND YOU A CARD EVERY DAY! Do you think I’m just trying to fuck with you? I don’t carry cash you dick. Stop harassing me and give me my beverage and let me get on with my life. Is the 35 cents a day worth it to you? Because now I could walk in with exact change every day and you wouldn’t see a damn think but my plastic middle finger in the form of a credit card.

Urinal Flow Chart

To the guy who pees in the middle urinal when there are three. I’ve included the chart on the left to help you idiots. It really isn’t that hard. Here is a simple rule to live by: Don’t show random dudes your member. If we all had a bit more shame we would be a lot better off in the men’s room. This is not about anything gay or anti-gay. It is about you making everyone uncomfortable for no reason. Why would you urinate within a foot of someone? Why, given the choice, wouldn’t you try the urinal with the 4 foot buffer zone? Of course this could all be solved by every men’s room in the world having urinal dividers, but that would be too simple. Why spend the extra $40 as a business to make your male urinators comfortable? I’ll tell you why, because women don’t get it. they have two things that make them not care. First one is their “I don’t have to deal with it” attitude towards life. My Mother used to evoke this clause when she was eating a different dinner than us to stay healthy. I’m not going to see the benefits or the shortcomings so what is the difference to me. Second issue, they can’t relate! They get their own stalls in there. Sure there are 3 less toilets, but its a luxury model restroom. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had recliners in there.

Not quite its own person, but this theory applies on an empty T too. It is the same type of person who would pee next to you.

To the sober guy who is so excited to be sober he ends up being a huge asshole and/or cock block. It should be noted that I am frequently the sober guy. I am a big fella and it takes a bit to get me going, so lots of times I’d just rather have a few and save some money. However, this does not transform me into the colossal dick who decided that he is better than you because he politely abstained from having a few adult sodas. You aren’t partaking for one of a few reasons. A. you’re an addict. Great for you saying now, not great for everyone in the bar who now has to be alerted not to leave a drink unattended within 10 meters of you otherwise we are the asshole who set you back from 10 hours sobriety. B. you are driving. It is always admirable when a buddy is willing to take one for the team for everyone to be safe. But your job is not just to drive your buddies home, its to drive anyone home. What? Your friend has found an interesting mate at the bar and they want to head out early to her place? Tough break buddy, now you are driving there too. You signed up for this. Jesus created taxis for this reason. or C. you have no real reason. This is usually masked as “I have to work in the morning”. I’ve got news for you. Anyone who drops that line is going to be a deadbeat wingman or wingwoman. They are there to make you miserable, and God forbid you talk to anyone else but them, because they don’t want to make any friends. Just drop them off at work 11 hours early so you can do some work of your own.

To the people who aren’t reading The ManShark. What’s you’re deal? Everyone knows the internet was made by Al Gore to waste time. Nothing is a bigger waste of your time than reading and listening to us wax poetic about nothing in particular. Forward it to a friend, will ya? Whatever you do, keep feeding that ManShark.

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