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Hal, The King

AMC released a promotional poster for season 5 of -best show to grace television- Breaking Bad. The poster reads “ALL HAIL THE KING,” above a portrait of Walter White, Bryan Cranston’s award winning, break out role.

But I’ll never forget Cranston’s humble beginnings as Hal, the aloof father on Malcolm in the Middle, which inspired this Photoshop creation, “Hal, the King.”

It seemed appropriate to submit it to http://breakinginthemiddle.tumblr.com/. Since then, it’s been reposted 50+ times now. So, yay to that. Jump on the bandwagon.

I’ll always wonder why movies don’t aim at least 100+ years into the future for a “future scene”. In this case it is understandable since Marty had to have aged 30 years, but still. I wonder how much research they really did on what 2015 would be like. Not even research, but what was the ratio of “this will be happening” to “that would be so cool” that went down in the writers room, that is what I’d like to know.

As cool as the projected future was 30-ish years ago, I’m going to contest that the real 2015 could be even better, although it won’t have the bells and whistles of flying cars and self drying jackets. So here it is, projected future vs actual future. (Note: I know it isn’t 2015 yet. I’m not waiting 3 years to write this. Nothing significant is going to change in 3 years. If it does, then you can write an article about my future vs the real future vs back to the future and see if your brain doesn’t explode!)

PROJECTED: Automatic Dog Walker
REAL:  Unemployed Bro-Dude
Advantage: PROJECTED (but not by as much as you’d think).

Sure, perhaps you’d rather a machine taking care of your pup all day instead of some smelly hippie girl with her pants 4 inches higher than they should be, but consider this: The price of perfecting that technology. How many times on long walks did the robot walker run low on gas or batteries or hyper jet fuel and just lose your dog? Is that a chance you’d be willing to take? I say yes, but I would understand opting into the human. I only say yes because of my roller coaster theory (“If it wasn’t safe, they wouldn’t let people on it”).

PROJECTED: Automatic Mega-Expensive Gas Station
REAL:  Self Service Semi-Mega-Expensive Gas Station
Advantage: REAL.

Plain and simple, price wise we are screwed either way, so that’s a wash. I wouldn’t be shocked to see the prices be right on the money when we get to 2015, but there is still nothing that can ever replicate the feeling of the perfect pump. Ever.

PROJECTED: Holomax Jaws: 19
REAL:  3d Angry Birds Movie
Advantage: TBD.

You think I’m kidding don’t you. You think I just hacked IMDB and made that page. Nope, it’s coming. Angry Birds the movie. Now, you may wonder how I can even consider giving Angry Birds the nod over a giant shark hologram that attacks you in the street… Well, here is how. Jaws 2 sucked. No way 19 would be any good. And, I think we already know how not worth the trouble and glasses 3d movies are. BUT, what if you could play the movie. What is Angry Birds knows something we don’t and by 2015 we can play an ipad 4 (new new ipad?) game in a movie theater? Jury is still out on this one.

PROJECTED: Fruit Dispenser
REAL:  Fondue Fountain Bird
Advantage: REAL.

Fruit vs chocolate. Next question please.

PROJECTED: Multi-Channel TV
REAL:  NFL Red Zone/Game Mix
Advantage: REAL.

Suck it projected future! We might even see the voice command mass produced in the next three years. What really sells the reality here is that Projected Reality offers “over 300+ channels!”, a number that is laughed at by CSPAN 9, MEUCNBC and ESPN 14 today.

PROJECTED: Cubs Beat Miami Marlins in WS
REAL:  Both Teams Can Never Meet In WS
Advantage: REAL.

This is where it really breaks down. The then fictional Miami Marlins did not exist. Now they do, and they are in the same league as the Cubs. Really what BTTF needed was for the Cubs to be the ones moving to the AL instead of the Astros. That would have probably swung this whole thing the other way. But alas, the Cubs (in Theo they trust) and the Fish are still in the NL together. Also, the points for predicting there would be a Miami Marlins go away when they failed to realize that the Marlins can’t be in the world series against the Cubbies.

Final Tally:
Real Life – 3
Projected Rality – 1
TBD – 1

Even if the Projected reality steals the Jaws 19 category (and this happens if we can’t participate in the Angry Birds Movie, at least there is a shark in Jaws 19), then it will still fall short. We’ve seen the hover board already as well. So it looks like barring dust becoming a major issue in the next three years, it looks like a brighter tomorrow that we could have ever imagined. So instead of feeding Jaws 19, how about you just keep feeding that man shark.

Hi I’m Matt.

I’ve been thinking here for awhile about what I could possibly write about.

Royal Weddings?  Timely, but I don’t understand this phenomenon anymore than you likely do (unless your Prince William, in which case I’d like to thank you for reading this, I’m flattered). I don’t really feel like going on a rant whose punchline is “wot is all this british nonsense?” Last time I did some asshole named Colonel Mustard murdered me in the library with a tea biscuit.   I can’t relive that.

There’s a whole lot of local sports happening at the moment, which is enhancing my sense of civic pride and unity with my fellow city dwellers (actually I don’t live in the city… I just hang out there. Whatever…). From the strange bicyclists riding by on their strange bicycles to the impatient dog honking the horn of the parked truck, sports make me feel closer to any guy, Tommy, Ian or Bobby, who walks by wearing the exact same shirt that I wear because the guy on the TV wears that shirt!

Success in the local sports can virtually guarantee high fives everywhere given the right look. Let this be your fashion guide as of 4/28/2011, with each look measured in high fives you could expect to receive in a night (On a scale of 1-5 high fives).

In the presence of those wearing Celtics/Bruins stuff, but not wearing it yourself: 1 Highfive (by association)

Celtics/Bruins Shirt: 2 Highfives (perhaps you prefer sleeves and cotton to jersey mesh, but it looks like you’ve just done the bare minimum.)

Celtics/Bruins Jersey: 3 Highfives (appreciated but commonplace.)

Celtics/Bruins Shirt/Jersey + Face paint (or dressing as green man): 4 Highfives (face paint shows the extra effort and that you’re eccentric in either a ‘I like to party’ or ‘I don’t like to drink but I still enjoy attention’ type of way.)

Celtics/Bruins themed Torso cover + Being a fat kid + basketball shaped hat + enthusiasm: 5 Highfives, a guaranteed place on any jumbotron, bountiful amounts of self worth, and a frankly undeserved potential lifetime of virginhood.

Additionally if you’re wearing a Celtics Jersey (3 Highfives) and run into a gal wearing facepaint and a Bruins Jersey (4 highfives) thats 7 total high fives! Double Bonus!

Any two 5 highfive deservers running into each other results in any neutral observer (or out of towner) concluding that they dwell among maniacs and cannot wait to tell everyone in their hometowns of Puyallup, Murfreesboro, and Mattoon about municipal overrowdiness.

Anything red soxy won’t be appreciated fully for another month.

Alright, that’s a lot and that’s my post.  If you’re still reading this, Prince William, mail me a corgi.

In the immortal words of Frank Costanza: “I got a lot of problems with you people. And now, you’re gonna hear about it!” Let’s dive right in.

To the driver (usually a woman, never a cab) who forces me to hesitate, break stride, and have an awkward interaction with them over who is going to let the other one go. It may not seem this way because you see me wearing my iPod and mouthing words, but I have timed my steps to allow enough time for you to drive through the intersection without hitting me or changing speed. I am ready to walk right after you go by. Quit stopping and forcing me to be the asshole pedestrian. I don’t care who has the right of way, you ar ein a car, if we decided to let darwin decide who had the right of way, you would. So just drive. It is dangerous to stop short. What’s worse, it aggravates me. So just trust me. Drive through and let me walk behind the car. I’m not every other dick head pedestrian who isn’t looking. And if I was, and you hit me, then guess what. I deserved it for not paying attention.

To the guy at the convenience store that shames me into paying in cash. First off, I am paying you for a garbage granola bar and an arizona iced tea, not $100 of groceries. Apparently, your reasoning is that the credit people take a buck or some percentage of every card transaction. I come in to your  convenience store  trying to use one of the most convient things in society to pay for my food and you want me to go to the ATM, take the 2$ service charge (more than my shitty snack costs, by the way) to save you 35 cents. I hand you my card every goddamn day and you say “You pay cash?” I HAND YOU A CARD EVERY DAY! Do you think I’m just trying to fuck with you? I don’t carry cash you dick. Stop harassing me and give me my beverage and let me get on with my life. Is the 35 cents a day worth it to you? Because now I could walk in with exact change every day and you wouldn’t see a damn think but my plastic middle finger in the form of a credit card.

Urinal Flow Chart

To the guy who pees in the middle urinal when there are three. I’ve included the chart on the left to help you idiots. It really isn’t that hard. Here is a simple rule to live by: Don’t show random dudes your member. If we all had a bit more shame we would be a lot better off in the men’s room. This is not about anything gay or anti-gay. It is about you making everyone uncomfortable for no reason. Why would you urinate within a foot of someone? Why, given the choice, wouldn’t you try the urinal with the 4 foot buffer zone? Of course this could all be solved by every men’s room in the world having urinal dividers, but that would be too simple. Why spend the extra $40 as a business to make your male urinators comfortable? I’ll tell you why, because women don’t get it. they have two things that make them not care. First one is their “I don’t have to deal with it” attitude towards life. My Mother used to evoke this clause when she was eating a different dinner than us to stay healthy. I’m not going to see the benefits or the shortcomings so what is the difference to me. Second issue, they can’t relate! They get their own stalls in there. Sure there are 3 less toilets, but its a luxury model restroom. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had recliners in there.

Not quite its own person, but this theory applies on an empty T too. It is the same type of person who would pee next to you.

To the sober guy who is so excited to be sober he ends up being a huge asshole and/or cock block. It should be noted that I am frequently the sober guy. I am a big fella and it takes a bit to get me going, so lots of times I’d just rather have a few and save some money. However, this does not transform me into the colossal dick who decided that he is better than you because he politely abstained from having a few adult sodas. You aren’t partaking for one of a few reasons. A. you’re an addict. Great for you saying now, not great for everyone in the bar who now has to be alerted not to leave a drink unattended within 10 meters of you otherwise we are the asshole who set you back from 10 hours sobriety. B. you are driving. It is always admirable when a buddy is willing to take one for the team for everyone to be safe. But your job is not just to drive your buddies home, its to drive anyone home. What? Your friend has found an interesting mate at the bar and they want to head out early to her place? Tough break buddy, now you are driving there too. You signed up for this. Jesus created taxis for this reason. or C. you have no real reason. This is usually masked as “I have to work in the morning”. I’ve got news for you. Anyone who drops that line is going to be a deadbeat wingman or wingwoman. They are there to make you miserable, and God forbid you talk to anyone else but them, because they don’t want to make any friends. Just drop them off at work 11 hours early so you can do some work of your own.

To the people who aren’t reading The ManShark. What’s you’re deal? Everyone knows the internet was made by Al Gore to waste time. Nothing is a bigger waste of your time than reading and listening to us wax poetic about nothing in particular. Forward it to a friend, will ya? Whatever you do, keep feeding that ManShark.

What can I say? They are the fireside chats of our modern age. In this edition we discuss topics like space travel, back to the future (a lot), dominos ads, nintendo and sony’s founding, and much more.

The iTunes link here. You can always listen by clicking here.

I can get behind blatantly and unoriginally ripping off a fellow feeders post idea.

I can get behind the internet streaming of live events. Screw cable.

I can get behind a full on beat down of terrible things.

I can get behind sweatpants… and into them.

I can get behind zombies.

I can get behind people who aren’t embarrassed when someone waves to them, then they wave back, only to find out that they were waving to someone behind them.

I can get behind people using that as an excuse to talk to the opposite gender.

I can get behind Catan.

I can get behind your Mom (eyo!).

I can get behind audiobooks. Reading with your eyes closed (and napping together as one).

I can get behind all sorts of innuendo. These are deep thoughts, and hard thoughts.

I can get behind Nintendo. They may not have the graphics. But since when do people care? It isn’t like they still roll 8 bit. It’s about gameplay. And they still have Zelda.

I can get behind alfredo sauce… in fact, I just did.

I can get behind the playing of indie music at bars. Who needs more Ke$ha? Give me The Strokes.

I can get behind gambling. How else would we care about American Idol?

I can get behind not sleeping. I mean really? You’ll get by with 5 hours. Quit bitching.

I can get behind fun ideas that aren’t fun.  Who’s to say what is fun and not fun? One man’s acceptance is another man’s anal…. no wait, that came out wrong (refer to #11).

I can get behind feeding this ManShark about once a week.

First off, this is my first post. I’m a new ManShark Feeder. And let me just say, overdue. The last ManShark who lived here must be starving by now. No one has feed his ass in about 2 years. And what is with the homo-erotic catagories? Hard Thoughs? Hard-sh News? Raging Semi Rants (ok, so I made that one up, but write that down!)? I’m overhauling this shit. Now we will also have Deep Thoughts… hell, deep everything. Why not go deep and hard? Needless to say, we are back and ready to make this baby ManShark the fattest piece of crap satirical blog this side of the Atlantic (Have you read that British garbage? They know how to lay on the sarcasm… and with an accent to boot).

Which brings me to the whole point of this. Accents and regional language. Lets be honest, every time you hear something from where you are from you think whoever said it is wicked normal. And when you hear something foreign its hella homo. Apparently the backwards people who aren’t where I am from (or when I’m from, but we will get to that later) feel the same way and consider me wicked retahated.

Let’s take a quick look at regional words. This is a running list, if you have something to add then by all means leave a comment.

Hella (California), Wicked (New England), Bloody (Old England), Don-cha-kno (Minnesota*), Eh (Canada), Y’all (South), Howdy (Texas), Epic Fail (Douche bags)

*This is what I could best gather from a combination of Miracle, Brock Lesnar, and Bobby’s World.

Hipster Douche

Unfortunately the terribleness of the Newly Bastardized English Dictionary (someone get Webster on the phone!) doesn’t stop there. Some things are so epicly turrible (Thanks Chuck *wink*) that they somehow permeate all regions and dialects. We must stop all of this immediately. Somehow underground hipster culture has become the new fad. Every italic word here should never be uttered again unless, you know, you have to communicate with one of them (so yeah, never).

In fact, screw it. Lets take back the mainstream. Don’t let the regional hipster doufus du jour ruin our lexicon. Now that we, the intel, have become the minority. Those who refuse to dub the latest viral video with the terms “sooo epic”, “def rando”, and “super legit” can now be pushed aside for those who would simply send a link (not forward an email, this isn’t 1998) to a friend saying “watch this, it’s funny because the dog eats shit at the end.” isn’t it time for the tables to turn? The world and culture is cyclical. Just wait ’til we are all wearing those auto drying coats with malfunctioning sleeves like in Back To The Future in 4 years. 80’s style in a modern world.

Anyway, I am aware I have terrible grammar, and worse spelling. I do not consider myself a Grammar Nazi. I would be overjoyed to consider myself a new age vocabulary revolutionary. So let’s go with that for now. Until the next time I stick my hard and deep thoughts into your brain (hah, yeah), keep feeding that ManShark. We must all keep him alive.

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