Hi I’m Matt.
I’ve been thinking here for awhile about what I could possibly write about.
Royal Weddings? Timely, but I don’t understand this phenomenon anymore than you likely do (unless your Prince William, in which case I’d like to thank you for reading this, I’m flattered). I don’t really feel like going on a rant whose punchline is “wot is all this british nonsense?” Last time I did some asshole named Colonel Mustard murdered me in the library with a tea biscuit. I can’t relive that.
There’s a whole lot of local sports happening at the moment, which is enhancing my sense of civic pride and unity with my fellow city dwellers (actually I don’t live in the city… I just hang out there. Whatever…). From the strange bicyclists riding by on their strange bicycles to the impatient dog honking the horn of the parked truck, sports make me feel closer to any guy, Tommy, Ian or Bobby, who walks by wearing the exact same shirt that I wear because the guy on the TV wears that shirt!
Success in the local sports can virtually guarantee high fives everywhere given the right look. Let this be your fashion guide as of 4/28/2011, with each look measured in high fives you could expect to receive in a night (On a scale of 1-5 high fives).
In the presence of those wearing Celtics/Bruins stuff, but not wearing it yourself: 1 Highfive (by association)
Celtics/Bruins Shirt: 2 Highfives (perhaps you prefer sleeves and cotton to jersey mesh, but it looks like you’ve just done the bare minimum.)
Celtics/Bruins Jersey: 3 Highfives (appreciated but commonplace.)
Celtics/Bruins Shirt/Jersey + Face paint (or dressing as green man): 4 Highfives (face paint shows the extra effort and that you’re eccentric in either a ‘I like to party’ or ‘I don’t like to drink but I still enjoy attention’ type of way.)
Celtics/Bruins themed Torso cover + Being a fat kid + basketball shaped hat + enthusiasm: 5 Highfives, a guaranteed place on any jumbotron, bountiful amounts of self worth, and a frankly undeserved potential lifetime of virginhood.
Additionally if you’re wearing a Celtics Jersey (3 Highfives) and run into a gal wearing facepaint and a Bruins Jersey (4 highfives) thats 7 total high fives! Double Bonus!
Any two 5 highfive deservers running into each other results in any neutral observer (or out of towner) concluding that they dwell among maniacs and cannot wait to tell everyone in their hometowns of Puyallup, Murfreesboro, and Mattoon about municipal overrowdiness.
Anything red soxy won’t be appreciated fully for another month.
Alright, that’s a lot and that’s my post. If you’re still reading this, Prince William, mail me a corgi.
