Beer: Part of this Complete Breakfast

Children of the 1980s and ’90s were beat over the head with the mantra, “part of this complete breakfast.” Remember the image? A tall glass of OJ and a slice of golden toast topped with a perfect square of butter. No one ever ate the complete breakfast. Not even the kid in the commercial.

Settle for something realistic: beer.

We’ve all thought about downing a beer in the morning. A filling and un-sobering breakfast. The perfect way to start the day. But try reaching for cold one, and all you’ll get is cold looks. “Beer for breakfast?!” someone exclaims. Yes, beer for breakfast. And get out of my house.

Children eat sugar pastries for breakfast, so why doesn’t beer make the cut?

Compare the hard numbers:Beer: 1
Poptart: 0

Beer, for the win, with less fat, sugar and sodium, and more percent daily value of carbohydrates! Hell, a real s’more might be better than its Poptart counter part.

And don’t worry about tainting the sanctity of breakfast. Cap’n Crunch throws a beer down the hatch every morning, to sterilize the cuts on the roof of his mouth. And then there’s that silly rabbit, who’s only pleasure in life is coercing innocent children into feeding his Trix addiction. Not to mention, he refuses to wear pants. But enough mascot slander.

Go for it. Crack open that cold brew. You may offend a few nay-sayers, who demand “three good reasons!” But stay cool. I got you covered. (WARNING: Science content ahead. Just read the bold lettering.)

1. Beer reduces heart risk. A 12 year study(’82-’96), conducted on 2,235 elderly found that drinking a beer and a half per day reduces the chance of heart failure 20 to 25%. If anyone asks, pretend you know what this means: alcohol induces high levels of high-density lipoprotein cholesterol, a protective form of blood fat. Alcohol also raises fibrinogen-protein, raising your platelet count, preventing the clotting and stickiness of blood cells. Way to go science!
2. Beer makes you smarter. Dr. Joe Christian made 4,000 male twins drink different amounts of beer, over 20 years, and then gave them mental skills tests. The brothers who drank one to two drinks a day scored higher on the tests than those who drank less than one drink a day or more than two drinks. Moderate drinking was deemed helpful in improving memory, problem solving and reasoning ability. Another point for science. Bonus for using twins.
3. Beer has nutrients. While you may not know the exact merits of magnesium, selenium, potassium, phosphorus, biotin, folate, vitamin B6 and vitamin B12, they are good for you, and beer delivers them. Drink to your health.

Of course, this doesn’t mean the food pyramid should be replaced with the beeramid, but consider beer before you go out for pancakes. Just because it’s cooked in a pan doesn’t make it less of a cake. Syrup won’t drown the truth  (an area beer excels in).