Space Rum

Jet pack broke? Slowly digested by a sarlacc? Father decapitated? After a long day, Boba Fett reaches for Boba Fett Original Space Rum: Cold as Hoth. Hits like a thermal detonator. And melts away the haunting image of your father’s disembodied head.

He’s got a little bounty hunter in him.
(Picture by Justin)

Unnecessary Acronyms

I can’t get behind unnecessary acronyms (UA’s). In fact, UA’s are one of the most extreme ‘Things I Can’t Get Behind‘ (TICGB). The purpose of an acronym is to shorten an otherwise long and complex title, so it can be quickly interpreted in its coming iterations. To make an arbitrary rule of thumb (RT); you need at least 10 iterations of a wordy title to merit an acronym.

Here’s another RT; Acronyms are like babies. Just because it’s possible to create one, doesn’t necessarily mean you should.

The acronym feature of our language is abused. Many people assign acronyms willy-nilly (WN) just to create a heightened level of officialness (HLO), like they paid a registration fee, and filled out the necessary paperwork with the Acronym Registry (AR). These people just tack an acronym onto any old thing (AOT), as if we’re all taking notes. But we’re not. If I threw TICGB at you, right now, would you remember what it stands for?

It’s okay. It was a UA anyway.

Hollywood is a repeat offender of acronym abuse. A particularly unforgivable incident was The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, a movie Sean Connery would like to forget, but the worst part is the acronym designated to it: LXG. Does the title of a movie need an acronym? Ever? Maybe if you’re talking about the movie with your friends in the theatre parking lot, but not in the movie. The title screen makes one appearance, at the beginning. The audience can endure the heavy reading.

Kitchy acronyms that spell out words aren’t off the hook either: acronyms like YES, NOW, and STARS. Call these Vanity Acronyms (VA’s). Remember ‘DARE to keep kids off drugs?’ Of course you remember (unless you’re on drugs). Remember what DARE stands for? Neither do I (Drugs Are Really… Exhausting?). VA’s are often backward engineered acronyms. That is, the acronym was created before the words it represents were chosen. Backward Engineered Acronyms (BEA’s) are abominations against the very thing acronyms stand for: words.

I get it. We’re lazy and acronyms make writing easier. But acronyms aren’t for making writing easier. They’re for making reading easier. Acronym abuse befuddles that purpose, and actually makes reading harder. And it’s obnoxious.

Fact: An unnecessary acronym is born every 3 minutes.

I can’t get behind that kind of wasteful acronym production, when there are only 26 letters. Pretty soon, every combination will be taken. Conserve your acronyms. Let’s make it an RT.

-
Related reading:
Uncyclopedia: International Association For Important Unnecessary Acronyms (IAIUA)

Things I Can’t Get Behind

I can’t get behind cases for iPods and cell phones. They cover the very shininess you’re trying to maintain.

I can’t get behind spike ball hair dues. Since when does this look good? Did I miss a vote, or is everyone drunk?

I can’t get behind taking the bus to the gym.

I can’t get behind password “quality.” I’ll decide whether my password works, not homogenize it to fit an arbitrary standard, making it easier to guess.

I can’t get behind wearing a watch. Really, there’s hardly a need to wear a watch, these days. There’s a clock on everything.

I can’t get behind regional professional sports fanaticism. A little enthusiasm is fine, but it’s not like the players are actually from your local region. It’s just printed on their uniforms.

I can’t get behind poor, impromptu photographs of prominent landmarks. It’s been photographed already, by professionals. The world doesn’t need your blurry, tour bus drive-by, version with a huge lens flare from the flash reflecting off the window. Enjoy the view. Google it when you get home.

I can’t get behind a movie trailer that starts with “from the director of Spy Kids.”

I can’t get behind chemotherapy for pets.

I can’t get behind more than one shower per day, tops. You’re not that dirty.

I can’t get behind the Bravo television network, and its multitude of reality shows about any old thing. Midgets? It’s a show. So you wear clothes? It’s a show. People living in a town? It’s a show.

I can’t get behind forensic science television shows. There’s about fifty of them, most of which are as predictable as Scooby Doo (Hint: It’s always the first person they meet, or the sleazeball nobody likes), and Discovery channel’s The New Detectives is all you need, for your dose of real forensic science stories.

I can’t get behind bags of Tostitos labeled, “20% MORE FREE FUN.” Air is already free.

I can’t get behind a beverage with the selling point “drinkability.” Edible is a requirement, not “the difference.”

I can’t get behind the iPod Shuffle. What’s the point of an iPod missing all its functions (except shuffle)? iPods can already shuffle, plus more. If Apple made the iPod Loop, suckers would still buy it.

I can’t get behind overdraft fees. Bank: “You have no money. Let me help. Now you have even more no money.”

I can’t get behind credit ratings. Credit Rater: “You haven’t superfluously billed yourself thousands of dollars on credit, or lived beyond your means. You’re not financially responsible.” (Alright, there’s a little sense to this system. But it still bites.)

I can’t get behind gym membership. It’s like checking yourself into a laziness rehab clinic. But they don’t keep you there, and charge you anyway.

And that’s what I can’t get behind, at the moment. This list is ongoing.

DUKE UNIVERSITY SCIENTISTS CREATE CLOAKING DEVICE

A team of researchers at Duke University recently developed a breakthrough metamaterial that could potentially make cloaking technology science-fact. Much like a glass of water refracting light, “The cloak would act like you’ve opened up a hole in space,” a pretty official looking man explained. “All light or other electromagnetic waves are swept around the area, guided by the metamaterial to emerge on the other side as if they had passed through an empty volume of space.” Whether anyone knows what that means, experts are already theorizing military and civilian applications.

Breakthrough cloaking technology in action

However, the technology remains fundamentally flawed. Expect a follow up article listed under:

“DUKE UNIVERSITY SCIENTISTS LOSE CLOAKING DEVICE“

Rock-Paper-Scissors: Battle Report

3AM- College house party. Things are winding down.

Time to get down to business. Time to find a comfortable place to sleep. There must be at least seven of us, dealing with the same issue. Scrambling to stake claims on couches, floor real estate, and coveted beds (invite only).

An open couch! It’s too good to be true. I make my way over, trying not to draw attention to myself. However, I am not alone. A challenger meets me at the couch. His intentions clear. We size up the situation in spaghetti-western stare down style.

“Rock-Paper-Scissors. Best of three.” he states, as though it were law.

A Coppola Words On Nicolas Cage

“I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.”

– Nicolas Cage

Over 60 feature length films under his belt, and Cage has yet to play a lizard, shark, heat-seeking panther, or Bob Denver. Though, he did manage to play a demon.

Scientist, fireman, treasure hunter, carjacker, con artist, Con Air-ist: these are the roles we’ve seen Cage fill, but there’s a sneaking resemblance between his diverse characters.

His characters are consistently quirky, middle-aged men -often eccentric- with awkward dispositions, and precarious hairdos. Cage often must save the day via some kooky method, like solving riddles, forecasting the weather, or spontaneously setting his skull aflame.

Sometimes he’s saving the future. Sometimes he’s saving the past. Sometimes he doesn’t have side burns. Sometimes he has a mustache. Sometimes he’s John Travolta. And one time, he was actually played by Tom Hanks (The Davinci Code‘s screen play has Cage written all over it). But make no mistake, Nicolas Cage is a man of many vaguely similar faces.

It seems you can write anything you want here

Hi I’m Matt.

I’ve been thinking here for awhile about what I could possibly write about.

Royal Weddings?  Timely, but I don’t understand this phenomenon anymore than you likely do (unless your Prince William, in which case I’d like to thank you for reading this, I’m flattered). I don’t really feel like going on a rant whose punchline is “wot is all this british nonsense?” Last time I did some asshole named Colonel Mustard murdered me in the library with a tea biscuit.   I can’t relive that.

There’s a whole lot of local sports happening at the moment, which is enhancing my sense of civic pride and unity with my fellow city dwellers (actually I don’t live in the city… I just hang out there. Whatever…). From the strange bicyclists riding by on their strange bicycles to the impatient dog honking the horn of the parked truck, sports make me feel closer to any guy, Tommy, Ian or Bobby, who walks by wearing the exact same shirt that I wear because the guy on the TV wears that shirt!

Success in the local sports can virtually guarantee high fives everywhere given the right look. Let this be your fashion guide as of 4/28/2011, with each look measured in high fives you could expect to receive in a night (On a scale of 1-5 high fives).

In the presence of those wearing Celtics/Bruins stuff, but not wearing it yourself: 1 Highfive (by association)

Celtics/Bruins Shirt: 2 Highfives (perhaps you prefer sleeves and cotton to jersey mesh, but it looks like you’ve just done the bare minimum.)

Celtics/Bruins Jersey: 3 Highfives (appreciated but commonplace.)

Celtics/Bruins Shirt/Jersey + Face paint (or dressing as green man): 4 Highfives (face paint shows the extra effort and that you’re eccentric in either a ‘I like to party’ or ‘I don’t like to drink but I still enjoy attention’ type of way.)

Celtics/Bruins themed Torso cover + Being a fat kid + basketball shaped hat + enthusiasm: 5 Highfives, a guaranteed place on any jumbotron, bountiful amounts of self worth, and a frankly undeserved potential lifetime of virginhood.

Additionally if you’re wearing a Celtics Jersey (3 Highfives) and run into a gal wearing facepaint and a Bruins Jersey (4 highfives) thats 7 total high fives! Double Bonus!

Any two 5 highfive deservers running into each other results in any neutral observer (or out of towner) concluding that they dwell among maniacs and cannot wait to tell everyone in their hometowns of Puyallup, Murfreesboro, and Mattoon about municipal overrowdiness.

Anything red soxy won’t be appreciated fully for another month.

Alright, that’s a lot and that’s my post.  If you’re still reading this, Prince William, mail me a corgi.

Open rebuttal to ‘People Who Aggravate Me’

Tyler’s recent rant, “People Who Aggravate Me,” contained a bit about drivers stopping at crosswalks. I, for one, appreciate those people. So here is my rebuttal, though ‘rebuttal’ is probably too formal a word. And if a rebuttal is a response, is Tyler’s initial post a ‘buttal’?

I’m totally that asshole pedestrian who’s not looking, in the crosswalk. The thing is, I am looking. And I keep walking. If there’s a crosswalk, that is. In a crosswalk with no traffic signal, pedestrian has the right of way, always. (I should get that on a t-shirt).

If there isn’t a signal, then yes, it’s j-walking. And there IS a small fine. However, the j-walking law isn’t enforced as much as, for example, the running-people-over law. So, Darwin’s a great guy, but any Arkansas judge will tell you, the law doesn’t care for him.

Back to the crosswalk: I make eye contact, so that I know the driver sees me, and keep walking. If they don’t slow down, and I just stare them down. They always stop, because waiting 3 seconds in their air conditioned rolling box is always better than hitting someone. This is especially true when it’s raining or snowing out, because if they hit me, they’d probably need to step out of their car. Ugh.

Occasionally, they’ll beep. One guy actually revved his motor, as though he was going to run me over if I didn’t hustle. In a burst of frustration, I kicked his bumper and gave him the finger. I immediately regretted it, fearing he would get out of his car, and kick me back. To my relief he just sat there angry, and drove off.

I mean, that’s what bumpers are for right? Getting kicked and such. I never understand when someone is upset about a scuff on their bumper, or a scratch on their iPhone case etc. It’s like buying a new soccer ball, only to avoid kicking it.

An Open Letter To People Who Aggravate Me

In the immortal words of Frank Costanza: “I got a lot of problems with you people. And now, you’re gonna hear about it!” Let’s dive right in.

To the driver (usually a woman, never a cab) who forces me to hesitate, break stride, and have an awkward interaction with them over who is going to let the other one go. It may not seem this way because you see me wearing my iPod and mouthing words, but I have timed my steps to allow enough time for you to drive through the intersection without hitting me or changing speed. I am ready to walk right after you go by. Quit stopping and forcing me to be the asshole pedestrian. I don’t care who has the right of way, you ar ein a car, if we decided to let darwin decide who had the right of way, you would. So just drive. It is dangerous to stop short. What’s worse, it aggravates me. So just trust me. Drive through and let me walk behind the car. I’m not every other dick head pedestrian who isn’t looking. And if I was, and you hit me, then guess what. I deserved it for not paying attention.

To the guy at the convenience store that shames me into paying in cash. First off, I am paying you for a garbage granola bar and an arizona iced tea, not $100 of groceries. Apparently, your reasoning is that the credit people take a buck or some percentage of every card transaction. I come in to your  convenience store  trying to use one of the most convient things in society to pay for my food and you want me to go to the ATM, take the 2$ service charge (more than my shitty snack costs, by the way) to save you 35 cents. I hand you my card every goddamn day and you say “You pay cash?” I HAND YOU A CARD EVERY DAY! Do you think I’m just trying to fuck with you? I don’t carry cash you dick. Stop harassing me and give me my beverage and let me get on with my life. Is the 35 cents a day worth it to you? Because now I could walk in with exact change every day and you wouldn’t see a damn think but my plastic middle finger in the form of a credit card.

Urinal Flow Chart

To the guy who pees in the middle urinal when there are three. I’ve included the chart on the left to help you idiots. It really isn’t that hard. Here is a simple rule to live by: Don’t show random dudes your member. If we all had a bit more shame we would be a lot better off in the men’s room. This is not about anything gay or anti-gay. It is about you making everyone uncomfortable for no reason. Why would you urinate within a foot of someone? Why, given the choice, wouldn’t you try the urinal with the 4 foot buffer zone? Of course this could all be solved by every men’s room in the world having urinal dividers, but that would be too simple. Why spend the extra $40 as a business to make your male urinators comfortable? I’ll tell you why, because women don’t get it. they have two things that make them not care. First one is their “I don’t have to deal with it” attitude towards life. My Mother used to evoke this clause when she was eating a different dinner than us to stay healthy. I’m not going to see the benefits or the shortcomings so what is the difference to me. Second issue, they can’t relate! They get their own stalls in there. Sure there are 3 less toilets, but its a luxury model restroom. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had recliners in there.

Not quite its own person, but this theory applies on an empty T too. It is the same type of person who would pee next to you.

To the sober guy who is so excited to be sober he ends up being a huge asshole and/or cock block. It should be noted that I am frequently the sober guy. I am a big fella and it takes a bit to get me going, so lots of times I’d just rather have a few and save some money. However, this does not transform me into the colossal dick who decided that he is better than you because he politely abstained from having a few adult sodas. You aren’t partaking for one of a few reasons. A. you’re an addict. Great for you saying now, not great for everyone in the bar who now has to be alerted not to leave a drink unattended within 10 meters of you otherwise we are the asshole who set you back from 10 hours sobriety. B. you are driving. It is always admirable when a buddy is willing to take one for the team for everyone to be safe. But your job is not just to drive your buddies home, its to drive anyone home. What? Your friend has found an interesting mate at the bar and they want to head out early to her place? Tough break buddy, now you are driving there too. You signed up for this. Jesus created taxis for this reason. or C. you have no real reason. This is usually masked as “I have to work in the morning”. I’ve got news for you. Anyone who drops that line is going to be a deadbeat wingman or wingwoman. They are there to make you miserable, and God forbid you talk to anyone else but them, because they don’t want to make any friends. Just drop them off at work 11 hours early so you can do some work of your own.

To the people who aren’t reading The ManShark. What’s you’re deal? Everyone knows the internet was made by Al Gore to waste time. Nothing is a bigger waste of your time than reading and listening to us wax poetic about nothing in particular. Forward it to a friend, will ya? Whatever you do, keep feeding that ManShark.

TheManShark Podcast

What can I say? They are the fireside chats of our modern age. In this edition we discuss topics like space travel, back to the future (a lot), dominos ads, nintendo and sony’s founding, and much more.

The iTunes link here. You can always listen by clicking here.

Things I Can Get Behind

I can get behind blatantly and unoriginally ripping off a fellow feeders post idea.

I can get behind the internet streaming of live events. Screw cable.

I can get behind a full on beat down of terrible things.

I can get behind sweatpants… and into them.

I can get behind zombies.

I can get behind people who aren’t embarrassed when someone waves to them, then they wave back, only to find out that they were waving to someone behind them.

I can get behind people using that as an excuse to talk to the opposite gender.

I can get behind Catan.

I can get behind your Mom (eyo!).

I can get behind audiobooks. Reading with your eyes closed (and napping together as one).

I can get behind all sorts of innuendo. These are deep thoughts, and hard thoughts.

I can get behind Nintendo. They may not have the graphics. But since when do people care? It isn’t like they still roll 8 bit. It’s about gameplay. And they still have Zelda.

I can get behind alfredo sauce… in fact, I just did.

I can get behind the playing of indie music at bars. Who needs more Ke$ha? Give me The Strokes.

I can get behind gambling. How else would we care about American Idol?

I can get behind not sleeping. I mean really? You’ll get by with 5 hours. Quit bitching.

I can get behind fun ideas that aren’t fun.  Who’s to say what is fun and not fun? One man’s acceptance is another man’s anal…. no wait, that came out wrong (refer to #11).

I can get behind feeding this ManShark about once a week.

Hella & Wicked: Legit Or Rando?

First off, this is my first post. I’m a new ManShark Feeder. And let me just say, overdue. The last ManShark who lived here must be starving by now. No one has feed his ass in about 2 years. And what is with the homo-erotic catagories? Hard Thoughs? Hard-sh News? Raging Semi Rants (ok, so I made that one up, but write that down!)? I’m overhauling this shit. Now we will also have Deep Thoughts… hell, deep everything. Why not go deep and hard? Needless to say, we are back and ready to make this baby ManShark the fattest piece of crap satirical blog this side of the Atlantic (Have you read that British garbage? They know how to lay on the sarcasm… and with an accent to boot).

Which brings me to the whole point of this. Accents and regional language. Lets be honest, every time you hear something from where you are from you think whoever said it is wicked normal. And when you hear something foreign its hella homo. Apparently the backwards people who aren’t where I am from (or when I’m from, but we will get to that later) feel the same way and consider me wicked retahated.

Let’s take a quick look at regional words. This is a running list, if you have something to add then by all means leave a comment.

Hella (California), Wicked (New England), Bloody (Old England), Don-cha-kno (Minnesota*), Eh (Canada), Y’all (South), Howdy (Texas), Epic Fail (Douche bags)

*This is what I could best gather from a combination of Miracle, Brock Lesnar, and Bobby’s World.

Hipster Douche

Unfortunately the terribleness of the Newly Bastardized English Dictionary (someone get Webster on the phone!) doesn’t stop there. Some things are so epicly turrible (Thanks Chuck *wink*) that they somehow permeate all regions and dialects. We must stop all of this immediately. Somehow underground hipster culture has become the new fad. Every italic word here should never be uttered again unless, you know, you have to communicate with one of them (so yeah, never).

In fact, screw it. Lets take back the mainstream. Don’t let the regional hipster doufus du jour ruin our lexicon. Now that we, the intel, have become the minority. Those who refuse to dub the latest viral video with the terms “sooo epic”, “def rando”, and “super legit” can now be pushed aside for those who would simply send a link (not forward an email, this isn’t 1998) to a friend saying “watch this, it’s funny because the dog eats shit at the end.” isn’t it time for the tables to turn? The world and culture is cyclical. Just wait ’til we are all wearing those auto drying coats with malfunctioning sleeves like in Back To The Future in 4 years. 80′s style in a modern world.

Anyway, I am aware I have terrible grammar, and worse spelling. I do not consider myself a Grammar Nazi. I would be overjoyed to consider myself a new age vocabulary revolutionary. So let’s go with that for now. Until the next time I stick my hard and deep thoughts into your brain (hah, yeah), keep feeding that ManShark. We must all keep him alive.

National Elevator Escalator Safety Awareness Week

What a week! The excitement in the air was elevating. But I don’t need to remind you that last week, Nov 8th -14th, was National Elevator Escalator Safety Awarenesses Week! Who could forget? It’s always the second full week of November!

This is a promotion of public safety awareness for the industry’s equipment. Everyone is invited to make this special week a huge success in cities throughout the U.S. and Canada. Safety Week provides a focal point for the industry, on a local and national level, to join together as individuals, companies and organizations and spread the word about public safety in the elevator industry. At the same time, Safety Week is an opportunity to celebrate the contributions made by the industry to the quality of life. Volunteers reach millions of riders with important safety messages in many locations during this celebration. - Elevator Escalator Safety Foundation (founded 1991)

Personally, I made this year’s Nat Double-E Safetay Week (as we say in certain circles) a huge success, by volunteering at my local subway station, with the aid -of course- of my $350 Safety Week Kit (What a steal! These are still available!). I set up camp at the bottom of the escalator, and spread the good word to my fellow Boston T Riders! It felt great to reach out to my community, knowing I was joining together with individuals everywhere, doing our part to spread escalator and elevator safety across this great nation, and parts of Canada.

$350 Safety Week Kit: Planning Guide, a table cloth customized with the EESF Safety Week logo, an EESF display banner, 2 Safe-T Rider DVDs, 5 Safe-T Rider posters, 500 Safe-T Rider Activity Books and 500 Safe-T Rider stickers. (EESF.org)

However, Kinko’s refused to sponsor the cause, charging me in full for my custom ‘Safe-T ‘ emergency flow charts (still available). Some people just can’t get into the true spirit of Escalator & Elevator Safety. And that troubles me on a deep patriotic level.

If it were up to me, every week would be National Elevator Escalator Safety Awareness Week. Instead, the national calendar focuses on trivial pursuits. African American’s get the whole month of February, for history! And Flag Day?! That’s an inanimate object! I think, as a nation, we need to step back and re-prioritize our national days of respect. Maybe even do some calendar re-arrangements.

The nation’s safety is at stake, and the Elevator Escalator Safety Foundation has to share its single week with Veteran’s day! They already have monuments! I think I speak for the entire EESF when I say, get your own day, Veterans! It’s just one stupid day. I’m sure you can squeeze it in somewhere else. In the meantime, the EESF is trying to make the nation safer. Maybe you should stop shining your purple hearts, and help!

I’m proposing year-round Elevator Escalator Safety Awareness. “According to industry experts, elevators and escalators are the safest form of transportation in the world,” reports Ashley H. Rains, EESF Public Relations director, in her 5 page article, Riding Elevators and Escalators Safely. Yet injuries still occur! People simply are not aware of the danger. Just yesterday, my right shoe lace came lose on an escalator and crept uncomfortably close to the end of the stairwell. Fortunately, I had the quick wit to slip my foot out before the event-horizon, and I abandoned the shoe altogether.

That is the readiness the American public needs to adopt. Why? Let me drop some data on you:

• Fact: Dozens of Americans deal with elevator/escalator related injuries or sickness on a monthly basis.
• Fact: In case of fire, use stairs.
• Fact: Elevators and Escalators are on the rise.

The threat is real. The solution is simple. Write to your local congressmen, make them aware of this important issue’s prominence, and ask them to promote year round safety awareness initiatives.

Ride safely.

And remember: when approaching a closing elevator door, leave it alone. Wait for the next one. If you’re on an elevator with violators of this rule, calmly step off, and report them to the EESF.

The Man Shark makes ‘Blog of the Day!’

Rounding out the number 70 spot on botd.wordpress.com‘s growing blogs of the day, The Man Shark! Right under Wilfred Mworia. Not bad, but we can do not badder.

Watch it, Milfred. There’s man shark in these waters.

Memories From a Long Time Ago.

Forgotten moments from the epic saga, not in any particular order.
(Click for full size images)